All About Conflict

All About Conflict     

      Conflict is defined as a process that begins when an individual or group have differences regarding interests, beliefs, values, or practices that matter to them (Cahn & Abigail, 2007).  Conflict is unavoidable and it is a natural process.  It occurs at many different levels such as interpersonal, social, and business.  The effect of conflict depends on how a person handles an interaction, how individuals perceive that situation and the method which an individual chooses to manage or resolve the conflict. (Mukhtar & Habib, 2010).   During this course we learned how to identify the different types of conflict and how to resolve them through effective communication techniques.  This paper will show why conflict occurs, how conflict management is an important communication tool, the positive and negative effects of conflict in our lives, the role of personality types in the management of conflict, and the different communication techniques used in order to make conflict management effective.

                                 Why does conflict occur?

Explanation

      We know that conflict occurs at many levels, but the reason conflict occurs is because through conflict we can make necessary changes, improve relationships, and it can even be considered a gift.  Conflict is present in our day to day lives, as it is needed in order to bring about those changes that help us grow.  Whether the change is for good or bad depends on how the conflict is managed (Cahn & Abigail, 2007).  It also occurs because people make judgments and assumptions about what other people say and do and they do not always see eye to eye.  These differences that are part of human nature also make it natural for conflict to arise.  Personality differences which also cause conflict will be discussed later on.

Technique

      Hill (2013) tells us that our minds work in a way she calls “Ladder of Assumptions” that causes conflict.  As our mind climbs up the ladder making assumptions about a person’s words or actions, it eventually gets to the top where it continues to jump to conclusions by making generalizations or stereotypes.   As we put people into groups by the way we have defined them,   we take another mental step up the ladder putting conflicts in motion (Hill, 2013).  Fortunately there are also practical steps that can be learned to turn these conflicts into blessings.  As Cahn & Abigail (2007) stated in our textbook, there are skills, like how to frame the information used in conflict situations and stop, think, listen and communicate (S-TLC) to name a few.  These skills need to be learned and practiced, in order to be able to choose the most effective behaviors that are needed to reach your goals and prevent or resolve conflict.

Scenario

      A good example of how conflict can become a gift when it occurs is when I look at the conflicts I have gone through in my own life.   When I was twenty-nine years old I found out that I was going to have a baby.  I had been told that I would never be able to get pregnant.  I was very happy even though I was not married at the time.  The conflict occurred when I found out the baby’s father was already married and he also had two sons.  My first response was of anger, hurt, fear and many other emotions.  Fortunately I was able to handle the conflict well, and kept a good relationship with him.  I did not act out of emotion but used S-TLC.  I stopped and processed all the information.  I thought about, and used mapping to figure out what I was going to do to support my child and myself as I had no real training, I was just a nanny at the time.  I listened to his suggestions and what he wanted.  Then I communicated with him my plans.  The fact that I did this made the whole situation be the joyful time it was supposed to be and the outcome a positive one.  I went to nursing school and became an RN and was able to raise my daughter and give her a great education.  Her relationship with her father is strong and loving all because of the way I handled the initial conflict.  What started out as a conflict became the greatest gift I have ever received, it changed my life forever, and I am so glad it did.  Together we created a wonderful human being.  I wonder if that is why my daughter chose conflict resolution as her vocation, as she knows first- hand that conflict can bring about great change and possibilities, even miracles.

From the Experts

     When people are in conflict with another person, they usually experience negative emotions   such as anger, distrust, sadness, hostility, denial or a desire for revenge, among others. These are usually destructive experiences, so when they are replaced with mutual understanding and agreement, what started as a conflict is now a gift of the repaired, possibly even improved relationship and sense of peace. Conflict is an unexpected gift, an opportunity for change. When reconciled, a conflict can be the gift of a second chance (Hill, 2013).

            Conflict management    

Explanation

     Conflict management is the communication behavior that a person uses based on how they perceive the conflict situation and it involves different ways of dealing with the conflict.  They either use techniques to resolve it or just avoid it (Cahn & Abigail, 2007).  The different interpretations of the conflict they are dealing with if not handled correctly, could create problems in a business or personal relationship (Cahn & Abigail, 2007). 

Techniques

     Once you understand what the conflict is about, the next thing you have to do is frame the strategy.  There are four basic strategies that can be used.  First there is acting which can be used when you want to resolve the conflict quickly.  You assume a very authoritative position not allowing for any other input.  Then you have adjusting where there is more of a give and take where you want a positive outcome quickly.  A more self-sacrificing strategy would be accommodating.  This is where you might want to give in to the other person because you were wrong or there is an advantage later on if you do this now.  If the situation is such that you cannot win you would probably avoid it all together (Cottinger, 1997).  Then after framing you have to know and use the best resolution techniques for that particular conflict.

Scenario

     There is an old saying that says to pick your battles carefully.  It is the same when you are a part of an organization, especially if you are in a management position.  You want to pick your conflicts carefully.  When I was a nurse manager I often had to deal with staff conflicts.  If I knew that they were just having a bad day and griping and complaining about things I would usually just ignore it and they would get over it.  If I felt that the conflict would affect the care that the patients were receiving then I would have to manage it.  I always talked to each person by themselves so that they would feel comfortable saying how they felt.  I usually used the adjusting type strategy so they felt their needs were also being considered and met.  If the conflict was as serious as the time I came up to the unit at midnight, where the nurses had put leather restraints on a couple of patients without a Doctor’s order and one nurse was asleep at the desk when she was supposed to be doing suicide and safety checks every 15 minutes, I used an acting strategy so they knew that there was no room for discussion when I told them in this case, they were relieved of their position.

From the experts

       In order to become proficient at conflict management it requires an understanding of how conflict develops, deciding on the most appropriate strategy, and learning useful resolution techniques (Cottinger, 1997).  “Conflicts are part of individual relationships and organizational development, and no relationship or organization can hope to mature to productivity and be successful without being able to resolve conflicts effectively” (Cottinger, 1997, para 3).

                       The positive and negative effects of conflict

Explanation

         People traditionally view conflict as negative and harmful rather than as a positive, natural and useful phenomenon.  Even though most people think that conflict is only a negative behavior, there are situations when it has very positive outcomes.   The effect of conflict either good or bad depends on the style of managing it (Cahn & Abigail, 2007).

Techniques

     Most people find it very tiring and stressful handling the day to day conflicts with their families.  They feel it is tearing apart their families and very upsetting.  Just the opposite has been shown by recent research.  It has shown that those same conflicts can be very constructive   if handled properly.  By constructive, I mean that when the parents use good listening skills, are open minded, and respectful of what their children have to say, the children form a healthy identity, social cognitive skills, complex reasoning, and form a closer bond with their parents (Hill, 2008).   Where parents saw these conflicts as negative and destructive the children were able to understand their parents’ points of view more clearly and it caused them to think about what their opinion was, thus making them better at articulating what they wanted more effectively (Hill, 2008).

Scenario

     When I was raising my daughter as a single parent there were many conflicts along the way.  Even without this class or any formal conflict management training, I found that by talking over the conflicts with her and allowing her to make the ultimate decision, she ended up making the right ones.  An example was when she was in high school and her friends wanted her to go to a party with them.  She knew that there would be drinking and maybe even smoking of marijuana at this party.  We had a very open relationship because I always listened and respected her opinion (not always agreed) but was willing to be open.  I had her think about the positives and negatives of going to the party and when she did, she decided that the negatives outweighed the positive and decided not to go (sigh of relief).  By taking this approach whatever the outcome of her decision, good or bad, she knew that she would be responsible for any consequences.  This helped her to grow up knowing how to make decisions and strengthened our relationship and trust.

 From the Experts

     The studies show that when parents and their teenagers engage in conflict it can be a positive way to teach them how to form a healthy identity, social cognitive skills, and complex reasoning and actually formed a closer bond with their parents (Hill, 2008).    The effect of conflict can be positive or negative, depending on how a person handles an interaction, how individuals perceive that situation and the method which an individual chooses to manage or resolve the conflict. (Mukhtar & Habib, 2010).

               Role of personality types in conflict management

Example

     There are many different personality types that have an effect on conflict.  Especially in a group setting where there are many different personalities.   Knowing and understanding about the different personality types of the group can make a big difference on whether you reach a resolution to the conflict and what the outcome is (Magnuson, 2011).

Techniques

     There are four different ways you can act towards the person you are having a conflict with depending on your personality.  First if you have a nonassertive personality, which means you probably do not want to have a conflict, you would use behaviors like avoidance and this usually ends in a lose-lose situation because the problem doesn’t get addressed and will continue.  Then there is the passive-aggressive option where a person doesn’t openly confront the person but goes behind their back to sabotage their ideas. This ends with an, I win-you lose outcome, because the other person doesn’t even know there is a conflict until it is too late.  If a person is aggressive they tend to put down the other person using verbal attacks about their abilities or their looks.  By intimidating the other person they manipulate the end result to be in their favor.  The best way to manage conflict is by being assertive.  This usually ends in a win-win situation for everybody because they personalities are compromising and cooperating.  If you are going to be working with a group it helps to take personality quizzes as you are then able to use everyone’s strengths and weaknesses in a way that will help achieve a positive outcome so that everyone feels like they are a valuable part of the team.

Scenario

     An example would be if the manager of a company let employees do whatever they wanted because he was afraid of or did not like conflict, and had a very unassertive personality, the employees would walk all over him and that company would go out of business in no time.  If he had a passive aggressive personality where he was always going behind his co-workers back telling his boss lies about them so he would look better, this would soon cause the employees to distrust and disrespect him, maybe even causing them to quit.  If the manager was power hungry and very verbally abusive with a very aggressive personality causing the employees to work in a fearful and stressful environment, that would have an effect on the productivity of the employees, maybe even their health.   The most productive personality in conflict management is assertive.  Then the manager would be more of an empathetic and understanding person, who was able to get people to work together with cooperation and respect for the ideas of each other.

From the Experts

     Every personality has value, just because an individual has a different personality does not mean that this person should be undervalued compared to individuals who have a more common personality type (Magnuson, 2011).  

  Communication techniques

 Explanation

     We have learned many skills that are important in communication but one of the most import in a conflict situation is listening.  The best communicators are great listeners; listening is a major skill or technique when dealing with conflict.  Most people are passive listeners only hearing what they want to hear, which when managers are only thinking of their own agenda when listening to their employees this can in itself cause conflict that will not end in a positive outcome in most cases, but when they listen with understanding and empathy it produces a more collaborative environment (Thauberger, 2003).  Depending on how good you are at communicating and what communication techniques you use will decide on how well the conflict is handled.

Techniques

     The most important communication skill you can learn when dealing with conflict is how to use an assertive I-statement.  By doing this you are saying to the other person that these are your feelings and are taking the responsibility for this conflict.  This kind of communication is less threatening and keeps the other person from becoming defensive.  If you use words like you, they, and people that shows that you are ducking the responsibility and putting the blame on someone else (Cahn & Abigail, 2007).  This will cause the conflict to escalate instead of resolving it.  Empathetic and real listening is the only way that you can know what message the other person is trying to relay to you.  If you do not listen, really listen, there may be a miscommunication which will cause a conflict.

Scenario

     Recently I got into a conflict with my daughter over her not spending very much time with me.  Instead of just saying that I was upset and felt left out because I did not get to spend much time with her, I said you are always so busy, you never have any time for me or invite me over.  Right away this put her on the defensive and the conflict escalated, until I changed my wording and said I know it is not your fault you are so busy and I am proud that you have such a good work ethic, but I do miss you.  Then the conflict de-escalated and we were able to have a nice conversation about all of the things she was doing and made plans to get together the next week.

 From the Experts

      “Effective resolutions depend upon excellence in communication, involving two eared listening (what is being said and how it is being said) and practicing clarity, conciseness, concreteness, completeness, and correctness” (Cottinger, 1997). 

     In conclusion, there are many areas involved in conflict management and many ways we have learned to resolve them.  We learned that not all conflict is negative, that there are some good and positive changes that come from conflict.  Depending on your personality and those of others, may affect how you handle and manage the conflict in your personal as well as professional life. It is important that you know what personality types you are and those you will be dealing with in a conflict.  The key to being able to manage conflict is good communication skills and one of the most important is listening.  Listening to others with empathy will give you better insight into what kind of outcome you can anticipate from the conflict.  Conflict is everywhere and happens every day.  Learning how to manage it effectively is the key to obtaining success in your life.

                                                            References

Cahn, D.D., & Abigail, R.A. (2007). Managing conflict through communication (4th ed.).  Boston, MA: Pearson Education, Inc.

Cottringer, W. (1997). Conflict management. Executive Excellence, 14(8), 6. Retrieved from http://search.proquest.com/docview/204594014?accountid=32521.

Hill, A. (2008, Mar 16). News: Why a row a day is good for teenagers: Conflict ultimately Bonds children and parents by encouraging more open Communication.  The Observer. Retrieved from http://search.proquest.com/docview/250512108?accountid=32521.

Hill, A. (2013, May 05). Why conflict is a gift. Contra Costa Times. Retrieved from http://search.proquest.com/docview/1348848384?accountid=32521  

Magnuson, K. J. (2011). How personality types have an effect on work team conflicts and conflict management. (Order No. 1492581, The College of St. Scholastica).  ProQuest, Dissertations and Theses 55-n/a.,Retrieved from http://search.proquest.com/docview/871093730?accountid=32521. (871093730).

Mukhtar, S., & Habib, M. N. (2010). Private sector managers approach to conflict management:   A study of relationships between conflict management styles and personality type.

Thauberger, G. R. (2003). Efficacy of familial communication and conflict resolution techniques in healthcare management settings. (Order No. 3209243, University of Phoenix). ProQuest Dissertations and Theses, p.189, DOI 3209243

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